Contributor Stories: When You Are Looking for Love… Try This Instead


Many of us are inspired by love. We obsess over text messages, fall hard into flings and lose ourselves in the rush of romantic love. When we are single, we dream about love, pine for it, fantasize and romanticize about old flames and new potential heartthrobs. But what are we missing when we are focusing on finding love? What are we failing to see in our tunnel vision? This blog post is a diary entry dedicated that very question.

Dear Diary,

I am starting to realize that I still have a lot of growing and learning to do.

I need to focus on losing my inhibition so that I can go out there and really enjoy life! Singing whenever I feel like it… for example.

Expressing myself in a more real and substantial way so that I can create something of value for others to enjoy.

Creativity, Culture, & Community

This is what I need and so desperately lack right now! This is what we all must need.

–> I’m observing myself lately and I’ve begun to notice a long-lasting trend, an old habit that I didn’t have a desire to shake until now.

When I am separated from a loved one; when I am not having that ‘in-love’ experience; when I am cut off from romantic love for whatever reason; I begin to feel like there is nothing joyful left in my life to experience. That is how much I love loving! (Guilty)

And I was feeling like this one day when I randomly went to a Hawaiian music concert with my Dad. He took me to one of his favorite theaters in Berkeley and for the night we escaped into a cultural experience like none we’d previously known. There I experienced culture, community and creativity all being expressed and celebrated in one place at the same time.

Culture – the beautiful Hawaiian music that had been passed down through generations, and the traditions those generations still maintained.

Community – the warmth and spirit of the Hawaiian-Californian people, who had stuck together in spite of the increasing ease and temptation to grow apart.

Creativity – the people on the stage who had found their joy  – what looked like pure bliss –  in jamming their hearts out in a part of this musical tradition.

It was beautiful and got me thinking…

Those three things – Creativity, Culture, and Community – can fulfill me in the same way that being with a romantic partner can! Music, friendship, art, these things can make love to me; They can touch a place deep down within me that is longing to be touched.

Jokes aside…

I don’t have to depend on a partner, a romantic relationship, a sex life…

for happiness!

I had a heartbreaking realization this night as well.

I recognized myself as a creative person; in fact, I have seen myself in this way my whole life. As:

A poet.

A singer.

A painter.

A writer.

Yet why have I not be expressing these sides of myself? What am I doing instead?

**End of Diary Entry**

What do Hawaiian music and love have in common? Each can set your soul on fire!

In the same way we burn with passion when we are in love, we can feel the intensity of that emotion when we find something (else) that makes us come alive.

It doesn’t have to be Hawaiian music. It could be another type of music, cooking a certain cuisine, learning about an interesting new culture, it could be theater; it could be Cosplay, it could be caring for bunnies or growing vegetables or sailing or skydiving or literally anything else that floats your boat.

Do you already have a culture? Great! What an incredible feeling it must be to participate in the rituals your culture has been enacting for centuries – the bonding experience of singing folk music with your best friends while wearing Lederhosen, beer in hand, while perhaps standing on a picnic table (lovely traditions from my Bavarian second homeland).

Don’t feel like you belong to a specific culture per se? Explore other cultures until you find one that feels like home!

The same goes for community – we can derive as much meaning and belonging from our communities as we can from our love lives. If you are not a part of a community already, make one! Online or through a club or meetup in your town or city.

And finally, creativity.

Find those creative outlets which make your soul come alive. Maybe you want to paint like Klimt, dance like Beyonce, bake designer donuts, or use your own custom coaching methods to help your clients find their happiness. Whatever it is, you should probably find it and do it right now. Don’t worry about finding your passion – focus on expressing your creative energy in any and all ways possible! In doing so, you will find like-minded people, develop a community naturally, and maybe even create your own culture!

Until then, please enjoy this Hawaiian music:

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